An Embarrassing Encounter

The following experience had me rolling on the floor with laughter, obviously at the expense of the poor fellow who related it.  I'll spare him the added indignity of revealing his identity for obvious reasons. (hahaha ... Please forgive me!  I just had to share it!)



Hi,

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
...and how was your day?

What it means to be British

What it means to be British
One of the British national daily newspapers has been asking for comments about: "what it means to be British". Here is a comment from a chap in Switzerland who lived in Britain for 12 years.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV; and the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign."


Fire safety in the home
The West Sussex, England, Fire Brigade were invited to a local Primary School to talk to the children about fire safety in the home. One of the firemen let off a smoke alarm, which made its customary high-pitched noise. The 6 year olds were asked what the noise represented. A little boy's hand went up and he answered, "That's mummy cooking dinner."

Reasons Not To Mess With Children

The honesty inherent in small children makes them worthy adversaries particularly during the most serious of conversations.  I hope you enjoy the following excerpts as much as I did.

About Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was
swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I
will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to
hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.





About God
 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working
diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows
what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



About The Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour'
thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the
oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'



About Ageing
One day a little girl was sitting and
watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed
that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you
do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'





About Photographs
The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group
picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang
out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'







About Circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the blood Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now,
class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I
would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




About Omnipresence
The children were lined up in the cafeteria
of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the
other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you
want. God is watching the apples.'

Hilarious Insurance Quotes

If we are unlucky enough to be involved in a car accident, of course it is never our fault. The following quotes show what people write on their insurance claim forms. Apparently these are strange but true stories.

Motor Insurance Quotes from Claim Forms

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.".

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.

I consider that neither vehicle was to blame but if either were to blame it was the other one (Irish).

I left my Austin Seven outside and when I came out later to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible lorry.

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.".

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

I thought the side window was down but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself the accident would not have happened.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

Cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

Three women were talking to each other and when two stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

Never Judge By Appearance: A Salutary Chinese Tale

At the final dinner of an international conference, an American delegate turned to the Chinese delegate sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.




A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.




At the end of the dinner the chairman of the conference introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.




When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

Actual questions asked of Canadian reference librarians

Do you have books here?



Do you have that book by Rushdie, 'Satanic Nurses'? [Actual title: "Satanic Verses"]



I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.



Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?



Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?



Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?

Out of the mouths of babes

A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Sarah replied, "They will in a minute"